Shave, Wax, and Pubby Lies!

This past weekend Cool Blu and I decided to start watching the latest season of, “Big Mouth”. An “adult” cartoon about the trials and tribulations of middle school and going through puberty. HONESTLY, in my opinion “Big Mouth” should be shown to middle schoolers to show them WE all went through the same things and what’s happening to you is temporary. But I digress and get to the point of this opinion piece. So there’s an episode where one of the characters, Jesse, gets her period, wears a pad (for menstruation) swimming and it sucks up all the lake water and one of the girls says something like, “ Eww, who gets a period that big?! Mine comes out like a skittle.” Fast forward to now at 7:42 am, where I spent my last hour of sleep trying to figure out why women lie to each other about shit WE ALL go through!!! 

Now back to the title, “Shave, Wax, and Pubby Lies!”. I remember being about 10 or 11 years old, when the first leaves (umm excuse me.. I mean hairs) sprouted from my bald Vajayjay and I knew shit was about to get REAL! Luckily, my mom always talked to me about my body, the changes it would go through, and various other biological feats that will come up around the time of puberty. But what we didn’t talk about was societal thoughts and opinions around the hygiene of body hair. Culturally, most black women I knew/know primarily only discussed shaving their legs and underarms and to be honest out of the 2 most were mainly concerned about armpit hair because of odor. 

So when you’re 13 with a full bush, having to change in front of classmates for the first time, and the topic of shaving comes up and you say… “I don’t shave, I don’t have to.” Everyone’s eyes got wide like the Soundgarden music video “Black Hole Sun”. If you have never seen that video, STOP now go watch and come back.

Some creepy shit right?!

Then, the questions started and I proudly stated, “My legs are hairless, don’t grow that much armpit hair to justifiably shave it, and I never shaved my vag.” The… I never shaved my vag… is the one that took everyone out. LOL We were 13-14 years old. I had one sexual-esque experience (consensual and with someone in my peer group) and he didn’t complain or mention my pubic hair from what I remember, so I never thought of it as a big deal. And I grew up seeing the women in my household with pubic hair, so I thought it just came with womanhood. BUT little did I know at the time EVERYONE shaved. Keep in mind that at this time I went to a predominantly white school in a small town called Waynesboro, PA, so the way white women/girls discuss hygiene is a tad bit different and more open. Versus with my black friends and family, it was more of a “girl talk” discussion when no men were in the house or during car rides. 

Either way it was ALWAYS a, “eww, my body, don’t do that chick” lying her ass off in the mix. Y’all know my side-eye game is strong. LOL Anyway it has always been an annoyance of mine, that women don’t speak more openly about their bodies, give truthful advice, and discuss hygiene practices more lovingly. 

Why the absolute FUCK do we lie to each other and Why aren’t we talking to each other?? 

Here are somethings I wished were taught openly…

One… Douche’s DON’T clean ya Vagina and are very harmful to your pH balance. 

Two… It’s normal for your Vegas strip to be darker than the rest of your body. And who cares??? 

Three… Figure out YOUR preference and do it. Example: I get waxed in the Summer and Fall. It gets a little too cold for her to be bald during winter. 

Four… Everybody’s Vag has a ripe day (funky/pissy) whether you try to prevent it or not. 

Five… What you eat affects your scent, but more importantly her HEALTH.

Six… Everyone’s period is different… However we ALL have heavy flow days. 

Seven… Wear cotton underwear that fits well for pad users. (I grew up up when hipster cut undies were popular)

Eight… Everyone has Vaggy discharge. You are not dirty, sis is actually cleaning herself. 

Nine… Periods affect more than cravings, cramps, and hormones. It can affect your sinuses, cause leg pain, and change your sleep pattern. 

Ten… Your Vag Triangle is NOT supposed to smell like Bath and Body Works semi-annual sale, get familiar with your natural scent. 

Eleven… Using a tampon before ever having sex/ losing your virginity is not a big deal. 

Twelve… Using a tampon over a pad does not make you more hygienic. 

Thirteen… Knowing how to pleasure yourself is just as normal as a boy jerking off. 

Fourteen… EveryBODY has butt-crack hair. LOL 

Fifteen… Farts are disrespectful and will roll up through Vaganna Split. 

Sixteen… Everyone has a chunky period. Sometimes there will be straight blood, sometimes it looks like alien webbing… It happens to the best of us. OH! And sometimes at the beginning or end of your period the blood may be brown. 

Seventeen… Pay close attention to your Vag Crystal; changes to her can be indication for some things.

Eighteen… Getting a bump on your Lotus Flower Bomb is normal. But still pay close attention to just in case.  

Nineteen… Most of your partners don’t care if the Entrance to Heaven is bald or not.

Twenty… You are MORE than what your Vagina can do, provide, and produce!!